Gorillaz & Self-doubt

Haven’t written here in a while, why do I feel like I always say that? (cause I probably do)

Small life update

Currently, in less than a week but now two weeks in, I’m full-time Gorillaz trash. I am so obsessed with the music and the characters it’s like when I go crazy for a series or something, same strong emotions.

As of my personal life, you know the one I ALWAYS try to ignore by getting obsessed with shit,  well it ain’t good but I feel like I’ve been worse? but not sure tho.

To give you a good perspective on this I can just describe you this very moment. As I write I listen to all of the songs from the Gorillaz I have saved in my Spotify’s playlist, at this exact moment, Rhinestone Eyes. Also, as I do this, I should be writing a small structured opinion on my economics forum, a subject that I’m currently failing just barely. If that doesn’t describe my update perfectly I don’t know what will.

As I often say here, fuck me I should really be working my ass off, but no. Here I am, listening now to the so beautifully sad Busted & Blue, while I keep wasting my time. What will it truly be of me? My future, my life. It’s always blurry, always uncertain, that being always my fault. It still amazes me how I can easily acknowledge my own self-destructive actions, but don’t really do shit about them. One of my many peculiarities I assume. Oh also on a random note, I’m listening to the Night Vale podcast, as if I didn’t question everything enough already. Who knows if I will even keep listening to it tho. Ok I’m going nowhere with this post at this point.

See ya.

 

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So annoying I can’t keep a friendship

So whenever I write it ain’t about good things huh, maybe it’s true that bad things in your life somehow inspire you to write. The difference here is that it’s doubtful fame will come my way for that. Damn.

Ok so I’ve noticed this the past couple of weeks. I have never been the best friend to have there’s no doubt in that.  Not only the past few months I’ve been more rude and annoying than usual but also I’ve certainly pushed limits with both friends and close friends, all of them, which it started to be worrying.

It such a fucking step back in all I’ve been and all I’ve wanted to be as a person. My self-steam has always been little to inexistent for a lot of reasons, one of them being how deeply annoying I now I can get when you get to know me well. When I thought I was developing a good trait (being able to be less shy and a little careless) it was backfired by how much this enhanced my annoying talkative, too rude self. I have been able to perceive its effects so damn much lately. From looks to small comments and even some passive agressive responses.

The thing about me acting this way, the eternal problem, is that even when I can feel myself being annoying, being rude af I CAN’T STOP, not sure why. These are the moments where you start to believe in what the horoscopes tell you about your sign because as an Aries I’m supposedly impulsive and do not think much before I speak. Oh impulsiveness be damned. Weirdly when it comes to life in general I’m such an over-thinker in every way but when being too trustful with someone ahhhhhh brain stops working.

Not only its getting out of hand but also I don’t know what to do. Ok maybe I do but I can’t seem to bring myself to act differently. Rotten attitude been there for way too long is hard to remove. Consider I’m just talking generally because oh boy the stories I could tell you about how shitty I can get. All this years I just thought I had crossed paths with shitty people (which SURELY I HAVE THO) but didn’t realize I’ve been always quite shitty myself (or at least i hadn’t realized how shitty I am). What I find quite problematic is the fact that I’ve really pushed my closest friends away in one way or another because today we aren’t talking about the fact of me being awful at texting back and leaving people hanging for days.

Oh boy how the fuck people still talk to me

Conclusion? I’m so disappointed at myself and scared of what’s to come. I’ll update on this topic if needed.

At least I’m on vacations right? that’s good and also gives some friends time to be free of me.

Ok bye. Sloppy writer out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

lil update

I haven’t written in a while and it’s killing me. I could easily say, yeah, life has got me busy. It could be true if I had my priorities in order. All I’ve done is waste my time and get some awful grades. I’ve wasted time but none of it here. Other than getting randomly sick and moody there hasn’t been much I’ve done, but definitely  some life changing shit happened. Don’t wanna talk about it tho. This post isn’t going anywhere either way haha.

So…what’s gonna be? I don’t know (HOW WEIRD). I just know that I have to pull my shit together. I’m better than I’ve been in the past so that’s a thing. Prioritize my academic life, and stay organized personally is a must. With time well divided I can start doing shit I’ve put off for ages. Exercising to keep myself energised, read more, FINALLY learning to play the guitar, etc.

Let’s see what happens

Imperfect writing

So, somehow, I’ve come to think to write in here only in moments of FULL inspiration on whatever the thing is. Right now browsing through my eternal set of social networks (looking for ways to waste my time of course) I saw the wordpress icon and thought “let’s see”. As how I see my blog going I don’t really complain. I actually like what I’m doing with this. The only thing is that I wish I dedicated more time to it, to post more often. Soon maybe. One reason it hasn’t been a constant update is my sort of perfectionist thought that I should be really inspired to write. Fuck that. Worrying too much about everything doesn’t take me anywhere at all. Tho I’m starting to regret to dedicate this type of content to wordpress, thinking it should’ve been on medium instead. I’m NOT saying medium is better of course, just stating that my wordpress should’ve been put for a different type of use. Moving it doesn’t sound like much of an option too cause I dislike the fact the I won’t have the actual date of my first post in there but the date when copy/paste was done. Well whatever for now. Again should be working, not doing anything at all. This time at least the homework is relatively easy.

All because of little belongings

Man I feel like it´s official. I write whenever I really really REALLY should be doing something else. Here´s the thing, I don´t like many little things about myself like any normal person, but if there´s something hateful it´s that feeling I get when I remember about a random personal belonging (say a notebook, necklace, etc) and my mind not only goes to “where is it” but mostly “gotta find it RIGHT NOW”.  As if it was REALLY necessary for me to find it in that exact moment, but either way the epic search is on. The most frustrating thing about this is how must time is wasted onto this. There´s surely better things I should be doing, but no, everything else doesn´t matter if it hasn´t been found. I´s so frustrating because of the stress it causes. There´s this chinese ink set that hasn´t been found yet (it´s been a month) and every time it pops in my mind all that causes is anxiety. Also, for instance, right now there are two important projects with an extremely close due date but I remembered about a little notebook of ideas that seemed to be nowhere in my eyesight. I got so angry because it seemed to be lost until like some minutes ago. I hate doing this. One positive thing? at least that shows determination and how persistent I can get.

I can´t sleep

Late at night is when most things occur (at least to me). I´m not talking about doing things but thinking and feeling deeply. Everything seems to be put into perspective and my mind goes crazy in matter of seconds. Some other times are all devoted to movies or series that impact me incredibly. Also, not less relevant at all, my outbursts of anxiety and stress in general. For whatever reason, you´ll find me awake past midnight.

This ain´t new, this has been me for long time. For years it used to be the polar opposites, the best and worst times. As I´ve enjoyed myself investing time in  beautiful heart-wrenching stories, I´ve also cried too much for too long causing the worst morning faces afterwards. I´ve talked to friends ´til 5 am and I´ve contemplated the extreme negativity going on in my head. Good or bad times, I can say that I´ve been proud of being a night person. Theres something in the surrounding, in the silence tat is both terrifying and calming. I know, this doesn´t make much sense, but somehow it has been enough for me.

Going to sleep that late every other day had been all to usual im my daily life, but this year hasn´t been the same. I can promise you that´s true when I tell you that every single day of this year (this 17 days that have gone by) I haven´t managed to go to sleep before 12 or even 1 am. Not a single day. Some may think its not a big deal but for me it is. I´ve been more tired than ever, and let´s not even go in how unfocused/unproductive I´ve  been. If that wasn´t enough, my late nights have been more uncalm. Yes, I can happily say that I have not been as miserable as other past nights of past years, but neither I´ve enjoyed my time so much. Something is different and I can´t figure out what it is. My thoughts seem to be going nuts and driving me to the edge at points wandering what am I doing with my life (the 24/7 365/6 days a year question to myself) . Yes, college is being really stressful but it was like last year so it may not be it. In many ways things have looked up that last year were terrible so I don´t really know. I just now that I really can´t go to sleep early even if I try. I can´t help being tired all damn day and sleeping at random hours to try to compensate, only making things a little more difficult. As if that wasn´t enough to mess up with my sleeping schedule, this year I´ve been waking up at 6 the latest to go to walk at the park (part of the things I´ve been meaning to do that I´m actually accomplishing somehow). Meaning sleep equals to almost unexistant.

One of my general goals for this year is becoming a healthier human being, in all ways possible. One of them is going to sleep early and trying to be a morning person. Currently that has passed from sounding pretty challenging to almost sound like a joke. Eitherway I won´t give up. I want to stop harming myself conciously or unconciously. Such sleep deprivation is harming both physically and emotionally. I don´t now how the hell I will fix this, but sure I will do it.

For years I´ve always preferred going to sleep at 2 or 3am to later wake up by 10 or 11, rather than going to sleep at 9 maybe to wake up at 7 or 8. Now tables will turn. Maybe even challenge myself even more (as if it didn´t sound difficult enough already). I want to push myself to go to sleep around 7 or 8 (I know CRAZY) so I cant wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning. That way I´d still enjoy the early morning without the sleep deprivation. The plan is set, now I have to figure how the hell to make it real.

Ps:

Pardon the inmense amounts of “I´ve” in this thing. They where annoyingly necessary (Is annoyingly even a word?).

And at 1:31am

I´m out for now

 

Idealization

My mind is always wandering all over the place. For instance, right now I’ve got five homeworks from which I have completed none. Right now that I should be working my ass off, I have pinterest open, I’ve walked all over the house, and now I’m here writing. I’m such a grown up. 

It’s so ironic that whilst procrastinting  my mind wanders off into the future, the future that I wish to have. Instead on thinking on how the hell I’d reach it, I focus on the many aspects that hopefully will become a reality. My  income, my dream apartment, my pets my ideal job, my ideal future self…and so on. It’s ironic how I think “yes, I want this the exact way I picture it” but I do NOTHING to accomplish it. Ok maybe not nothing, but none of my present actions seem to have that path. 

I should probably finish my homework first, then focus on something else.

Hah, as if.